Missed Part I? Catch up here.

We started out with big dreams and a lot counting against us.

All we wanted was a normal life. So we spent the next decade studying, working, and hustling. Living paycheck to paycheck; juggling feeding times with finishing that research paper; being up all night with a teething toddler instead of out with friends; and stressing about daycare’s (and later, the school district’s) “24 hour fever-free” rule and then arguing about whose exam is more important, or whose boss will be more understanding when it was clear that someone would have to take another sick day. 

Fast forward 12 years

From the outside, we were a success story: college educations, 401ks, a house in the suburbs in an excellent school district, two cars, the most awesome kid, and, of course, a dog. Mr. Unsettled was a successful engineer, traveling all over the world for his job. I had the freedom to choose not to work, which is what I’d always wanted and thought I’d never have, after realizing that it turns out it’s nearly impossible for two parents to have demanding careers and any type of work/life balance without significant outside help — especially when one partner has a job that takes them away for a good chunk of the month. So I spent my time doing things like being a mom without the frenetic pace that had dictated our lives over the past decade. 

We had finally made it!  We were going about our days living a life that most people dream of.

Heck, that WE had always dreamed of: 

We finally had a “normal” American life. 

But what no one tells you about the American Dream is that it doesn’t stop. There is no finish line, really. You don’t just get everything you want and then you’re just…done. 

It’s like working out: you don’t just do your last set and then, BAM! Congratulations, you never have to go to the gym again!

Once you get everything you want you have to maintain it:

That house in the excellent school district? Needs a new roof in a few years. The lawn needs to be mowed and the gutters need to be cleaned out before it rains on Thursday. Oh, and the taxes are going up (again) next year. But also, you should really start thinking about getting out of your ‘starter house’ because…well, because that’s the next step. Right?

Those cars? They’re past-due for oil changes, and also one needs new tires. And you should probably start thinking about replacing at least one of them to a newer model so that everyone can see how successful you are — and so that they don’t think you’re the nanny when you drop your kid off for a play date in the “rich neighborhood”. Ask me how I know…

That awesome kid? Is so awesome that they want to join a competitive dance team…it’ll only cost an extra $400 a month. Oh, and it turns out that they’re “gifted” and have to go to college someday! So you should think about increasing your income because you’ll never save enough in their 529 plan…especially since you could only afford to start saving last year. But don’t make TOO much money, because then she’ll never get any financial aid and then will have to take out $100,000 in student loans just to get her bachelor’s degree. Oh, and they’re “dating” someone now. At age 12. Ugh.

That dog? Needs the best dog food money can buy because everything else seems to cause him to wake up in the middle of the night with the shits. Oh, and he just ate the head of your kid’s favorite stuffed dog (ironic), so cross your fingers it passes so that you don’t need to go to the emergency vet. Again.

That successful engineering career that takes you all over the world? Means that you’re somewhere in Asia when the roof starts leaking; and means that you’re constantly suffering from jet lag; oh, and when you do your job well your recognition comes in the form of “extra duties”…but no salary bump.

And the stay-at-home-mom life? Can’t complain! Except that all of your friends have gone back to work and you spend your time cooking, and cleaning, and running errands (seriously, how much time can you spend in the car?!) and then you do it again the next day. And you swore that you were going to “get more done” when you finally got to quit your job, but somehow you’ve become more unproductive while at the same time having more “free time”.

So you consider getting a job to use your degree + brain, only to realize that you’d be working for free since your kid is too old for daycare but not old enough to be home alone all summer, so they need to go to “camp” that somehow only goes from 9:00 AM – 2:00 PM and costs more per week than actual full-time daycare did. And if you did go back to work to feel like you’re contributing, then who would do all the other stuff that needs to get done? Surely not your husband, because he has been gone for 3 weeks and will be back home in 6 days, 9 hours, and 16 minutes, but he’s actually taking off for the next trip to…you forgot, actually…a few days later. And if you hear one more complaint about how the food in the [insert luxury hotel brand here] executive lounge has really gone downhill, or about how lonely a 5-star hotel room can be then you’ll probably kill him anyway, so he definitely won’t be much help then. Oh, and now your kid needs to go to the doctor/to dance practice/needs supplies for one of those projects that is supposed to be 100% done by them but you know that the other parents are most definitely not letting their kid near said project.

But be sure to feel guilty when you remind yourself that you’re one of the lucky ones because you’re not actually doing it alone even if it feels that way. And lastly, you’d better be damn sure to end every conversation about how hard parenting is by reciting how extremely grateful you are and how your kid is the best thing to ever happen to you. 

Whew! Where were we? Oh yes:

We finally had everything we had been hustling for for all those years, but it turns out that it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. 

Don’t get me wrong, we were grateful! It’s hard to overlook the many privileges we had.

But we weren’t happy.

Honestly, most days it all seemed pretty overrated. 

Imagine coming to the realization that you have spent more than a decade working towards a life that wasn’t actually what you wanted? Now that’s terrifying. But maybe not as terrifying as it taking two, or even three decades to figure it out.

We didn’t really know what we wanted instead, but we knew that the American Dream wasn’t it. 

So what did we do? Stay tuned!